Are we equally yoked?

The term equally yoked originates from a biblical perspective, 2 Corinthians 6:14 in the King James Version: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? What communion hath light with darkness?”

The phrase is meant for use in business and interpersonal relationships, but it's also used in romantic relationships. When used in a romantic sense, the biblical perspective refers to believer vs a non-believer. The idea of being equally yoked comes from a wooden bar (yoke) that joins two oxen to each other, and to the burden they pull. An “unequally yoked” team has one stronger ox and one weaker, or one taller and one shorter. The weaker or shorter ox would walk more slowly than the taller, stronger one, causing the load to go around in circles. When oxen are unequally yoked, they cannot perform the task set before them. Instead of working together, they are at odds with one another. 

Now that we know the origin of the term, its relation to modern day relationships makes more sense. Ideally, after the age of 25, the relationships we enter into should potentially lead to marriage. There aren't many reasons to enter into a committed relationship unless you plan on taking the person seriously and marrying them (it's not rocket science). Yet, so many people still date without even thinking once, let alone twice about marriage with their mate.

If you are thinking about marriage, you need to evaluate the things that would make you equally yoked. You need to learn about one another’s background, as well as the financial, social, and physical offerings that are being brought into the relationship. You need to look at where the two of you are in life and if you can accomplish the task (a happy, healthy, everlasting marriage) together. If you're not equally yoked, then you're just working against one another.

You may not be 100% equally yoked in all areas, but there are some major topics you need to discuss before committing to a relationship. Looking at income/income potential, communication/ consistency, sexual appetite and whether or not a person wants to have kids are important.  Also, (I don’t go into it in depth below), ask the person if they want to get married, a lot of people don’t care for marriage. Marriage is not for everyone, and you can’t change or convince yourself that marriage is a great idea. Either you want to marry or you don’t, and no amount of love in the world can change that. 

1. Income/ Income potential:

It's 2015, and woman are definitely working and making more money than in the past. In some cases women make more than their partner. It's perfectly fine (hell it’s great) to make more money than your mate, you just need to look at what they are doing or trying to do. If you make 70k and your mate makes 50k, no biggie, you’re both making decent salaries and will probably have the flexibility to get things done with little stress and good budgeting. 

The problem begins if you're making 70k and your mate is making maybe 20k, and is not actively doing anything to change their situation. There are a lot of people that have fallen upon hard times, and are actively trying to better their situation. They have the means (i.e; specific skill set, trade, degree, etc.), and there are those who will always be upon hard times because they have no motivation.

We all have the ability to change our current financial situation for the future, if you're ambitious and your mate isn’t it may be okay for now, but you will think twice when the mortgage and childcare bills are due. It's highly important you find a partner with a similar approach to money and budgeting. In some rare cases one mate makes more than enough, and it’s mutually agreed someone should stay home to take care of the kids. For most regular folk, that's not the case and it takes two incomes. One of the main reasons people divorce is money, don't make a decision now that doesn't make cents in the long run.

2. Sexual appetite:

If you're having pre-marital sex (most of us are, shame on us :), then know your needs and the needs of your partner. If you're on the conservative side and don't care to explore, or you're the type that needs to have sex daily (or multiple times a day), find a partner who suits your needs. Marrying someone who doesn't satisfy you or overwhelms you can definitely cause major issues in a marriage.

Sex can always be worked on, but you need a partner willing to work on it with you, if your partner is adamant that once a week is enough and you need it daily, you may find yourself stepping outside of your marriage for satisfaction.

Also, don't be afraid to discuss sex before you have sex! So many people don't like talking about it before they do it, even though they know they're going to do it. Talk it out with your potential partner at the appropriate time (probably not the very first conversation), and express what you like and find out what they like.

3. Communication/ Consistency: 

I put these two together because although they are different they are important for similar reasons. When you’re considering a relationship with a person, you want to make sure you feel secure. Part of feeling secure comes from having clear, consistent communication with the person you are dating. If you aren't feeling secure, how can you expect to move past dating into a full blown relationship? Some people like to talk throughout the day, some like to talk once a day or every few days.

I know plenty of women who don't like being bothered with daily conversations and rather send an occasional text or email. I know plenty of men who enjoy talking on the phone daily and texting throughout the day. There is someone for everyone!

Know your communication style and your needs, find a partner that communicates in a way that makes you feel secure, or is willing to work on communicating in a way that's mutually pleasing. There are also tools to help partners communicate more effectively; one I like to use when I first start dating is the five love languages. I've read the book http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X by Gary chapman, and I've taken the quiz and encourage potential mates to take it as the well http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/.

4. KIDS:

Last, but damn sure not least is kids. The kids conversation is definitely a must have conversation. Too many people choose a mate that has opposite ideals when it comes to kids, and deal with it hoping they can change the mate. Some hope once they have the child their mate will see how great they are and change their mind. Others hope once their mate lives a child free life for a few years they will forget wanting to have a child.

 More than likely it won't end well, you will either spend your life in regret that you never had a child, or you will be an absentee parent/spouse because you never wanted the child and you feel trapped. Forcing someone who doesn't want a child to have one is cruel. Forcing someone who does want a child to not have any is cruel. Don't be cruel, if you love someone let them go and be with a mate that can satisfy their needs. Kids are a big deal and take a lot of work; a child deserves two parents invested in their future. So please do yourself and your boo a favor and discuss the big K (KIDS), before you enter into a committed relationship.

Now these four items are not the end all be all of ways to make a relationship work, but they are MAJOR issues that can cause divorce, and the purpose of marriage is not divorce. The task set before you in marriage is to make it work, and the easiest way to make it work is to ensure you're equally yoked before you say I DO (don't you just love those words). If you and your partner are equally yoked financially, sexually, communicably, and on the same page with having kids, then when problems do arise you will have a stronger bond to fight them.

 Make smart choices when you're vetting a mate, think with your heart AND your brain. Make sure you're equally yoked, and in the words of the great Keith Sweat "Make it last forever".

Love and Light,

Amira